there's more to this than meets the eye

i'm beginning to think that the reality only trully sinks in after you reach the age where your heart opens as much as your eyes already have. we sit in cars with the locks on in dangerous suburbs with people who walk like gansters in the middle of the road. i'm not sorry, just joking. the sad part is i wish i was walking down the middle of the road with them. maybe that way someone will hate me and tell me to my face that it's all going to end badly because those dreams i had when i was little are gone. probably flushed somewhere out into that big, blue thing that swallows up little fishies and big bad sharks. [this is not a test] we're waiting in anticipation for parties that come after two long weeks of "happy hours" that make us sick to our patellas and want to throw up note books. I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU NEVER TOLD ME. [this is not a test] french music and minimized windows that hold the key to passing. it has to be in by nine o'clock. but what if it isn't ?
i'm
not
ready
for
all
this
chaos.
stop telling me that it will be fine. i know it won't be and you pointing it out only makes it all the more worse.
'i don't even wear a tie to work anymore.'
me neither.